Goodbye to the Merry-go-Rounds

As my eyes slowly opened this morning and my heart wrestled through many unknowns and my mind reached unsuccessfully to comprehend it all, the sun shone beautifully through my shades and reminded me that today was a new day! My feet swung across the bed onto the cold and unwelcoming floor and I began my routine--always starting with a cup of coffee. After I had my brewed black addiction with a splash of white for good measure, I opened up my Bible and Pandora music mix. This is when I "ran across" this quote:

God doesn't want us to be frustrated and feel unworthy of the blessings he desires to give us. 

-Joyce Meyer

It really spoke to the deep crevices of my heart. God doesn't want me to be frustrated. He doesn't want me to be disheartened or discouraged. Really? So--he wants me to be the opposite? Full of heart and passion? Full of courage? How had I allowed my heart to get into such a detestable place? Hadn't I been spending time with the caregiver of my heart and soul for years? 

But here's the beauty: God doesn't reveal all of the lies that I believe to me at once. If he did, then I would be a wreck--literally. But it's in the quiet moments--the moments that the sun sweetly beams across my face, that he whispers TRUTH directly into my heart. 

I don't know about you, but I have a tendency to get a bit unconventional and crazy when something is out of my control. But oftentimes what I want to control--relationships, etc., I don't want to bridle or restrict. Oh--the continual nauseating merry-go-round I hop on and off of!  

I desire relationships to take their course, to be pursued and sought after, but time after time, I have difficulty relaxing--receiving. I am constantly thinking that I need to do something to obtain or deserve it. And hence, I step on this oh so familiar and childlike ride--trying to make things happen on my own timing. But all the while, I just find myself "spinning." 

But, if I'm honest, that isn't love. It's manipulation. It's self-seeking and empty. And aren't relationships supposed to be built on love? Not being manipulative or self-seeking? Aren't they supposed to carry a fullness of life when they are in their purest form?

I believe so. No--I know so.

And so after soaking through this beautiful truth, I'm taking a deeper look inside to the places of my heart. And I coming to this realization: God wants me to be full of courage, life, and worth. He wants me to receive the blessings he desires to give me. But this doesn't come from any effort of my own. It comes from resting in Him. It comes from leaning back and allowing him to take the reigns in the relationships of my life. I'm left with open hands and peace--trusting that he who has said it will surely do it.

No more spinning--only resting and receiving.

Love is not an affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained. -C.S. Lewis