Hope Deferred

I promised to write each day--to journal. I must admit that I'm daily tempted to cast this goal aside. And I've already failed in completing this assignment. But I've realized that it's alright. Because my desire is to write from the heart. My desire is to allow the deepest places of my heart to pour out into the blank pages of your heart.

I have promised myself to write each day a bit of wisdom of where I am.

Today, my heart is all over the map. Maybe it's because of the unending worldwide trial of terrorism, hate, and division. Or maybe it's because like these divided issues, so is my life at the moment--divided. I've been in a season, for the past couple of months, of self-discovery--learning more about who I am and where I desire to embark my career path. For the past 15 or so years, I've been involved in ministry--specifically international missions work. I've traveled to far-off lands and I've prayed with the sick and dying. I've seen numerous healed physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've seen salvations and commitments to Jesus. I've witnessed the miraculous. My life has been an adventure.

And so, my adventure continues. But as many of you have experienced yourselves, when your life is no longer familiar and you look out over a vastness of uncertainty, anxiousness strives to take a hold of you like a drowning soul reaching for air. If you're a believer in Christ, you know in your mind that you are to trust in the Lord and his timing and to believe that his promises are forever good. And you are to rest in his peace. I don't know about you, but this is often difficult for me.

So, this is where I find myself today.
A difficult and uncertain place.
Not knowing the outcome.
Waiting.
Desiring to trust.

And this verse rings in my ear:

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. (Proverbs 13:12)

My hope has been deferred.

Hope for a husband. Hope for a home. Hope for a career. Hope for children.

Day after day. Week after week. Month after month. Year after year.

Deferred hope.

Seeing the hopes of others becoming trees of life, but still awaiting my own to be fulfilled.

And my heart is elated for others' fulfillment, but my soul has become weary and doubt is fighting to overtake my belief and strength.

So, I look to Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith--reminding him of his promises over my life. Bringing it all to him in prayer. Trusting in his timing. Trusting in his goodness. And believing that he sees it all. He hasn't forgotten the desires of my heart. He hasn't forgotten for one second. And even now, I am reminded of the promise of his fellowship and faithfulness.

So--today, I am weary and struggling, but I will choose to lean on the One who is stronger than I and who holds everything together. He who has called me is FAITHFUL.

He is faithful to you. He is good to you.
His word is enough. He is enough.
Take JOY in his unfailing love!
Lean in and hear his voice. Rest in his presence.

Faith: Simple and Magnanimous

Faith.

Such a simple word, but one that fills the room with such magnitude.

I don't know about you, but the word faith often leaves me feeling like I'm "falling short." Like an endless and bottomless sea, I want my faith to be so incomparable that doubt becomes a foreign word.

But if I'm honest, doubt can creep in.

This year, I've decided that I want to carry more faith. I want to believe my God--my Jesus--for bigger and greater things. I desire not to carry this on my own or to think that I can conjure up enough faith. No--my heart steadily beats to carry faith that only Jesus contains. Because, let's face it--he's uncontainable.

So--you problem solvers might be thinking. Well, that's wonderful Hellen, but how are you going to get more faith? Good question.

The answer is this: One step at a time. I will look not to what I can do, but to the One who is greater than I. I will take each day as it comes, but hold onto the One who is able. And I will choose to expect Him to show up in the ordinary, the mundane, and in the simple.

And I will choose to trust when I cannot see.

So--here's to looking at the simple word of faith and allowing it to fill the room beyond my imagination!

More from the desk of a dreamer and blogger...

2015: A Promise to Write Daily

One of my hopes for this year of 2015 is that I would begin the joy and discipline of writing on a daily basis. I haven't given myself any rules--other than that I needed to write daily and be intentional in the process. I'm believing that out of this daily routine that my dream to focus on  my book will come about. So--even though it's Day 4 in the New Year, I'm determined to catch up even now.

Here is what I wrote yesterday:

The struggle with starting over is just that: starting over--the reality of suspicious and ever-gleaming promise of what is to come. 

And fear often immediately follows it (especially when you cry out for "anything but"). Likewise, hope delightfully skips along as well-reminding your heart of the never-ending and glittering beauty that is to come.

Beginning again. The determination and will to move forward is stronger than the pull to stay.

And so this year--2015--has begun. And I've decided--planted in my spirit--that instead of focusing on the desires that haven't been fulfilled in my life (marriage, home ownership, a career, children, travel), I'm going to peer into the beautifully ordinary box of what I do have (work, a roof over my head, food, friends, Jesus, family, experiences, wisdom, compassion). 

And the list goes on...

But I choose this day and this year to serve the Lord with all that I am!

Happy 2015 and to NEW beginnings! May this be the BEST year yet!!